Shhiva

Har varit inne och läst en jävla rolig sida, en blogg som en kvinna i England skriver, hon lägger ut både fraser och ljudupptagningar av hennes man när han pratar i sömnen!
Ok, Kära M, jag vet att du inte tyckte detta var kul.. Men jag ger dig en chans till... Haha, läs dessa fraserna.. han är ju hur rolig som helst.. iaf i sovande tillstånd.

Vill ni läsa hela bloggenfinns den HÄR!

Så... Here we go!!

Yah, I can't believe in God when I'm THIS good

Hey I know you, but I don't like your face. Take it off... That's much better, much better

I'm here! I know, I brighten the room. Everything's better

Wait... wait... I know what it feels like to be like you: Shit

I am awe-some. Deal with it fucker

Yeah, keep looking. It doesn't get any better than this

You know, there's a little bit of me that is excited to see you. It- Oh. I think it died

Good morning! Have a great day... somewhere else

Don't come any closer! You'll water down my greatness with your ordinariness. Fuck off

Everyday I wake up and I think, I look more and more like the perfect me

I'm happy, because I'm attractive, and I have lots of friends. You sad sack of shit

People like you, because you make them feel smarter and better in comparison. Really

Just walking to the bus for you is the walk of shame. Walk of shaaaaame

Whoa! Uch. You gotta be more careful when you walk into a room. With a face that's fit for radio, you should warn people first

So? I'm obsessed with the ground. Don't judge me. There are billions of people who are attached to it. So there

Just shut up. Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit

You know what? Your penis is too small for your ego

Avert thine eyes! You're not hot enough to be looking at me

Kiss you? I'd rather lick my granny's genital sores. GURGH

I've waited my whole life to meet somebody like you. Now fuck off and let me get on with my life. You're a disappointment. Always a disappointment

Oh. My. God. You are seriously a thrombosed external hemorrhoid on life, aren't you? Uch... Uch

It's amazing how you can smell so bad, but still be alive

Seriously, do the words 'You're an idiot' confuse you? Yeah, you see you're sweating now. Typical..... See? Even Google's got you on its list of fuck-ups

It's quite simple, really. You pitch yourself next to me, and I quite literally feel my shit being violated. Don't get upset about it. Just don't come near me

This is my story. It starts with me. And it ends with me. And everything in the middle is about me. Greatest fucking story ever written

You've got a nice face. But your personality is one huge cock block

Oh, this is a full stop. This is finished. This is no more. This is you and me. I'll make myself clear: piss off

If you want me to be honest, then I have to say, your arse makes those jeans look small... Well, you did ask

I'm giving out tickets. Five minute slots to stand next to me. One at a time. Enjoy yourself

When it comes to being told what to do, I tell, you do. Got that, dickhead? Nice

Sure you're beautiful. But when you crap you smell like every other asshole

All things considered, you are more attractive than a monkey's vagina... on heat

Would you do me the honour of fucking off to the other side of the world, and staying there for the rest of your miserable life? Thank you

Oh, just think about what you said. That is, if you can spare the grey matter from remembering how to breathe

You and me, we're an item. And like an item, you can be exchanged in the future

A vegetarian restaurant seems a fucking stupid idea. Just pitch a tent over a vegetable patch. Job done

If I'm gonna spend the day with you, I'd seriously consider chewing razor blades and sucking
lemons, simply to pass the time

You try so hard, and you fall so short. Just give up, numbnuts. It will save you a lifetime of pain and shame. Your life: fail

Kiss me now! These lips aren't gonna be here for long, you know

Your blue sky thinking is blighted with dark clouds of piss-poor ideas

This is your life. Ugly, pitiful, stupid little thing, isn't it

I know. It's incredible. It's me

I think you should sit down. Surely your ankles can't take the weight

Ugh. Today couldn't have got any worse. And then you come skipping into frame. A son of a bitch. Arsehole

Listen to you? I'd rather listen to the sound of me sucking out the juices of a corpse through its anal sphincter. Harsh, but true

Don't worry. I'll find it. That's what I do, find things. I find you annoying. See

You are the perfect candidate for post-natal abortion. Got it

You piss-flap motherfucking tosser! No, I DON'T want to say anything else. I think that sums you up enough

You know, it's a human race. And you lost

Life is precious. I'm not going to just sit here listening to your pathetic fucking dribble

My ass and my personality are the same thing. Huge and in your face

Hold me. I want you to feel greatness

So you want to speak your mind. Be careful you don't use the bit you need to breathe with. Run along, run along

Awesomeness now has a name. Let me introduce myself

I've got two things to say to you: fuck and off. Capish

You know, you're not some precious flower. And if you were I'd be a weed and grow next to you and choke you to fucking death!... Love you

I'd like to tell you what a wonderful person you are. But that would make me a septic gash of a cunt who quite frankly had no concept of right or wrong

By the way, washing in rose water doesn't stop you smelling like a piece of shit

It's a cute dress. It's your face that freakin' ruins it

I like my unicorns medium-sized. Anything bigger is just showing off

Well let's face it: I'm so good looking, even my bacteria are cute

Where's the floor? The floor's gone. Oh for fuck's sake, the wardrobe's thrown up

I'd say welcome to the School of Life, but you wouldn't pass the entrance exam. Dickhead

Thank you for being you. Now I've got a complete list of how fucking shit people can be

I know it's early, but I simply have got to let him know that if Santa doesn't bring me my X-Box, he's a dead fucking fat cunt

HEY! Just because I said I love you doesn't mean I have to buy you something expensive

It's not lying if I smile and end with 'I love you

I'd rather kill aliens than ghosts. Aliens explode in goo, while the ghosts just go whoo

Because I don't like fighting clowns! It's the make-up. You don't know what they're hiding. Freaky shit

I need food so much more than I need you right now

I'm losing faith in humanity, one faked orgasm at a time

We gotta go get the moon. It can't be there right now. It's in the wrong place, the wrong time. We'll replace it with something far more beautiful! My face

Vegans can be evolutionarily punished. Vegetarians, they can just suffer, for all I care

Kissing's good for your health. So pucker up, Baby, I'm gonna make you live past a hundred

I'm better than you, 'cause I can hold shit. I got thumbs, bitch

Oh, for fuck's sake. You'd lose your fucking arse if it wasn't in between your ears

Well there you go. The face of venereal disease

If it wasn't for all the shit in your brain, you'd be plain stupid. Really

Loooooving you is easy cause you don't exist. You're a figment of my imagination…. Wanker

I'm scared by the power of your vagina. It can control whole armies. No, nations. The world

It's the belly button button. Press it and go to hell

Your job is to be ignored. Nobody's to acknowledge you whatsoever. You should be good at that

When I grow up, I want to be respectful of my parents. Of all the wonderful things they've done for me.... Yeah right. Pffffft. Just give me presents

I'd rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that's just my opinion. Don't take it personally

Your silence says a lot. Mainly, you haven't got the intellect to say something mildly witty. Or intelligent. Or anything of substance. You are, by definition, a fuck-up

I'm gonna have a great day.... Don't you fuck it up

God, you whine like whale song. But a lot less erie and beautiful and more, well, fucking annoying. Fuck off you FUCK FUCK. Dick fuck! Can you tell I don't like you?

Garlic cheese! Double death to you, you lactose intolerant vamp man

Are you listening? Are you? You listening good? Keep listening... PISS OFF MOTHER FUCKER, YOU WEEK-OLD BAG OF WANK! Thank you for listening

Tiptoeing elephants? Come on guys, give it up. I can see you! You're huge

Don't push me! I'll fucking push you back. Push you back with double fist fury

There are certain rules to throwing a party. Rule one: invite me. Rule two? Make sure you do rule one

To think your mum and dad were sober when they decided to have you. It beggars belief

You're more attractive than a seeping anal gash. But only just

Stand further away. You can't possibly appreciate my greatness this close up

You certainly are incredible. A perfect example of genetics gone wrong. Now go stand in the corner and dribble or do something just as intelligent

There you go again, wasting decent oxygen on talking

If you weren't such a fucking prick, you'd be a decent person

Oh please, give me the satisfaction of closing a door and you leave. You're so good

Why don't you stand in fuck-up corner. You can stay there 'til, I don't know, I-don't-give-a-shit-about-you 'o clock

You're pretty. pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty.... [long pause] Now fuck off and be pretty somewhere else. I'm bored

Oh, don't worry, dear. The spot doesn't make you ugly. No no no. The rest of your face, now THAT makes you ugly. The spot's just a highlight

It's a good thing your breath smells of shit. It colors your words beautifully. Gives it an edge

Fuck me, fuck you. Simple choice, really

Hey, I've got a great idea. You fuck off out of my life forever. Perfect

Imagine waking up next to you every day... One chunder-bucket moment after another

Yeah, falling in love is WONDERFUL. Especially when it's with me

Pleased to meet you? Huh, gotta be a fucking joke

I do like your eyes. Mmmm-hmmm. Shoved up your fucking ass so I can see the shit you create. Bye-bye

If I wanted to see a long nose and a big ass, I'd look at a horse

Just look at yourself. Yeah, now look at me. You don't stand a chance. It must suck to be you, I'm sure

Shhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. I'm telling you: your voice, my ears. A bad combination

Horray for me! Yup, I said it. Now the rest of you can join in

Everyday you reinvent yourself into a bigger cock-shite than ever. It's incredible. I don't know how you do it. I admire you

Of course I've always loved music. YOURS makes me want to poo my pants

Vegetarians will be the first to go. That's my plan. Vegans haven't got a hope. 'I eat air, I'm so healthy...' Bollocks

Now fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me

Since when did my underwear look good on you? Take it off. Take it off your face

Well if I'm the douchebag, you're the contents, Titfuck

There's only one thing that comes as close as being as fantastic as me, and that's my reflection. All hail the beautiful mirror. Wow

You know, it's not easy being me. You should try it. I bet that after just five minutes, you'll then have an incredible healthy respect for how amazing I am

Oh, I forgot to mention: You're an ugly fuck with no sense of style. You need to do a lot more to yourself to make you socially acceptable. You need help

Blinding like lightning. Thunder is my roar. Feel my awesome power

Here I am! Perfection on two legs

I like to picture you as road kill. Reversing over your body again and again, putting you out of your fucking misery

Wow. If you really think that was a good idea,
maybe your mum should rethink having YOU was a good idea

Why don't you make your mouth useful. Say goodbye

Sure you can have my phone number.
It's like having a direct line to God. But better.
Because I answer

I know it's a shame that when I walk out of a room it gets just a little bit darker and gray. It's a burden I carry

Just the thought of kissing you makes me want to take a vegetable peeler to my lips

I'm sorry Baby, that's gravity. I can't help it that I'm physically attracted to you

Oh. Do I have feelings for you? Hmmm.
Let me give you the short and accurate answer: No. That's all really

If Jesus loves me, he can join the queue with everybody else

Today couldn't have been any more perfect. Knowing you were on a slow train in hell, oh, that would be the cherry

You know what's missing from your pictures? Artistic fucking talent. Now get a proper job, you loser

You speak your mind, I punch your face. I think it's a fair exchange. We'll both be hurting

Yeah I'm good. No shit, Sherlock.
I'm the reason why there's so many adjectives for awesome

You take one of those knitting needles and put 'em in my neck once more, I'm gonna see to it that every time you blink, you're gonna be looking at your own rectum. Got it

Talk once more, and I will sue you for ear abuse. Shame on you. Shame! Auraphile

Fuck you. And everybody else who gets there before me

Of course I think about your family. I think about them all the fucking time! Christ it's depressing

Where do you think YOU'RE going, eh? Got somewhere better to go to? Better be fucking amazing! Cause I'm fucking brilliant

I'm sorry. No, I'm not apologizing. I have nothing to be sorry for. Oh, I'm sorry for accepting your fucking existence. That's it really

You wanted to be WHAT when you grow up? Boy,
you must be SO disappointed the way your life turned out. So sad

What the fuck's wrong with your face?! Christ on a bike, next time you're smiling, warn me

Stay where you are. You're making me look amazingly brilliant

They're not love handles. No. I've got love impact protection barriers

You didn't let me finish. You WERE a waste of space... In your mother's womb

Your face reminds me of a roadkill's arsehole. Certainly not on my list of things to kiss

You give me stress, anxiety, days filled with woe. I give you, I don't know, a kick in the fucking balls. I think that kind of makes it fair. Arsehole.

Great. So you've fallen in love again. Go wash yourself off. Dirty stuff

Ok, let's swap saliva. I know, love is messy

I love you. No, sorry, I missed some words out.
I love it when the world shits on you. Yeah. That's the full sentence

How much do I love you? As much as I love myself, toned down a little bit

You offend my eyes. They're screaming. The burn! The burn! Oh, you're like acid on my vision

That was funny! Do it again! Yeah. I love it when you try to speak intelligently. So funny. So funny

It's easy to confuse your ass and your face. They're basically a hole that spews shit

I speak shit? You must be listening through your ears. Arsehole



Darling, with an ass as big as yours, innocent bystanders could get hurt

I've got muscles. They're just sleeping. Don't wake them. Let them sleep

Before you begin, I'd just like to make it clear that I don't have the energy for a fake conversation

You have entered a no-bullshit zone. Leave it outside. It doesn't work with me

Come on. Let's all go be happy in front of some miserable people

Reach for the stars! You're gonna have to, no one on this planet wants anything to do with you

Well, so what you call me fat. I'll forget you even existed the next time I see a doughnut

Are you dead? Oh sir, are you dead? Hello? I- Oh, you're not… When's the earliest you can die






Ok,  jag jag tycker han är rolig.. mest för att det står beskrivet i blogeen att i vaket tillstånd är mannen en ömsint Judisk man som visar empati och kärlek till alla människor!!
Undrar vad han drömmer som ger detta resultatet faktiskt!! Hahahaha